date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
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{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.