You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
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“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*