As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
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Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be