I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
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the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.