Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
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Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.