when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
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My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I can’t stop laughing at this
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.