5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
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[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob