wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
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Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Cheers Twitter.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
i spent way too long on this
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.