The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
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They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
My ideal weight is five million dollars
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I don’t make the rules sorry
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.