Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
You Might Also Like
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact