everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
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“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
The real reason evolution started..😂
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.