Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
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Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt