me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
incredible book dedication
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?