[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
You Might Also Like
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
The Weeknd is back
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.