Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
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“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast