The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
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My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
#FunnyLife Insects