My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
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[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal