My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
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The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?