Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
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BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Just me and my debit card against the world
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.