If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
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When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem