When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
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Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Happy birthday to all the women
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too