‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
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Me: After lunch time
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I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
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I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
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Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
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Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
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Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
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*Bumps into wife at pub*
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
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Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.