What
You Might Also Like
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).