I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
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When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
best first i’ve ever seen
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Not helping
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.