“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
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“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Note to self: I am a note
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!