There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
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This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
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me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*