I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
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I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
why isn’t he texting back
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.