There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
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I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
i was baptized in a car wash
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.