NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
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I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
yeah no that’s fair
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
checking out some reviews of my local library
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt