if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
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Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
whatcha thinkin bout
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character