I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
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Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
how long have you had this for?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.