Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
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Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
my dog when i have a friend over
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.