Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
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Can Happiness buy money?
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”