sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
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FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
hi why am I like this
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.