At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
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I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist