this is one of the best threads in twitter history
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[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
scared to check what name she chose
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.