Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
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It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Feels like there should be a middle ground
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc