Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
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German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.