netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
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If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Don’t snitch tag.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
OH. COME. ON.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.