My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
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I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁