I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
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ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
welcome back
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.