When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
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Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’