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*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder