He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
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If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
We have a winner.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I need a headline like this
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body