If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
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Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Whoa… oh I see lol
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”