the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
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“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
english majors be like furthermore