Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
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my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol