Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
You Might Also Like
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain