[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
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getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.