*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
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Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Extremely relatable.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.